Zombie Chick Read online

  Zombie Chick

  Zombie Horde Prevention Task Force, Volume 1

  L. A. McGarvey

  Published by Trouble Twins Publishing, 2021.

  This is a work of fiction. Similarities to real people, places, or events are entirely coincidental.

  ZOMBIE CHICK

  First edition. September 21, 2021.

  Copyright © 2021 L. A. McGarvey.

  ISBN: 979-8201741600

  Written by L. A. McGarvey.

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Prologue

  The Day I Woke up a Dead Naked Chick

  Steve ‘Storky’ Roberts

  Group Assignments

  Storky gets Personal

  Unster Talks

  Special Agents

  At the HQ

  Special Delivery and Pickup

  At the Secure Location

  Observation Room

  Unster’s Apartment

  The Doctor

  Unster’s Place

  Storky Brings Lunch

  The Meeting

  The Tour

  Test Results and Observations

  Mervert

  Growers

  Unster at the Gym

  Special Agents at the Police Station

  Growers

  Off to Ned’s

  Janice’s Dorm

  Therapy

  Observation Booth

  Janice ‘Yaw-Niece Boo-wars’ Bowers

  Axing Questions

  Observation Booth

  Ned ‘Neckro Boy’ McFled

  Movie Theatre

  Dr. Marten

  A Stroll

  Observation Booth

  The Park

  Observation Booth

  Mervert

  Unster Gets Hypnotized

  Officer Pier Docklund

  Jockularity Murdock’s House

  Mervert in the Bathroom

  Case Update

  Jockularity Murdock

  Growers

  Officer Pier Docklund

  Organ Gronation

  Gym Class

  Test Analysis

  Medical Bay

  Organ Gronation

  Agent Dave

  Operation Poutine

  Unster Blich

  Dr. Marten

  Operation Poutine

  Eddy

  Agent Orange Has a Meeting

  Entrance Interview

  Heron Lane

  Agent Dave

  Heron Lane

  Bryant

  Growers

  Organ Gronation

  Jockularity

  Heron Lane

  Growers

  Field Trial

  Agent Dave

  Unster

  Observation Booth

  Fight Club

  Organ Gronation

  Officer Pier Docklund

  Bryant

  Field Trial

  Unster

  Agent Dave

  Unster

  Braul Bumfinger

  The Stronghold

  Agent Dave

  Unster

  Bryant

  Agent Dave

  Unster

  Bryant

  Observation Booth

  Patrols

  Bryant

  Braul Bumfinger

  Agent Dave

  Officer Pier Docklund

  Field Trial

  Police Commissioner

  Bryant

  Field Trial

  Bryant

  Unster

  Agent Dave

  Bryant

  Braul

  Task Force

  Aftermath

  Operation Poutine

  Zomboni Ride

  Unster

  Agent Dave

  Meeting

  Translator

  Meeting Room

  Unster

  Harbor

  Pier Docklund

  Agent Dave

  Task Force

  Vatman

  Braul

  Unster

  Agent Dave

  Agent Dave

  Task Force

  Agent Dave

  Agent Orange

  Agent Dave

  Unster

  Agent Dave

  Bryant

  Braul Bumfinger

  Unster

  Bryant

  Operation Poutine

  Agent Dave

  Operation Poutine

  Bryant

  Agent Dave

  Bryant

  Agent Dave

  Operation Poutine

  Bryant

  Squad

  Agent Dave

  Unster

  Agent Dave

  Operation Poutine

  Bryant

  Braul

  Agent Dave

  Unster

  Agent Dave

  Mervert

  Agent Dave

  Pier Docklund

  Storky

  Unster

  COMING SOON: HIDDEN SHIFTS

  Prologue

  Buckley

  Bryant

  Buckley

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  Also By L. A. McGarvey

  About the Author

  Prologue

  The scientist was annoyed. The young couple camped far too close to him for comfort and could ruin his research with the wild fungi he was trying to collect samples from. Seriously, you would expect forty thousand acres of a remote forest reserve to be a little less populated.

  At least they weren’t complete morons, he consoled himself. The man carried a shotgun with him. When the scientist spoke briefly to the couple as they hiked past, the man was well aware of the dangerous predators in the area. There were bears here, and there’d been rumours of a cougar prowling around. The man had seemed quite prepared for trouble of any sort. He carried the gun with competent ease and walked with a confident stride. The man and woman both seemed quite comfortable in the remote wilderness.

  The parties had exchanged pleasantries and gone their separate ways. Not far enough away, as far as the researcher was concerned, however. It had taken great pains, not to mention a phenomenal amount of money, to have access to this restricted section of the forest reserve. He would be sure to ask his assistant to look into it when he made his evening check-in call. What was the point of paying the huge fees if it didn’t get you what you paid for? His company should try to get a refund. Really, he could have bought himself a new car with what this supposedly private week was costing.

  Being preoccupied with thoughts of the interlopers, he didn’t see the hole and stepped right in it. He went crashing down into the ferns and ripe fungus, face first. Fungi burst and clouds of spores filled the air. As he breathed them in, he coughed and sneezed wildly, lungs and nasal passages burning from the onslaught.

  He checked himself for damage. His ankle wasn’t broken, nor did it seem even mildly sprained. He was glad now he’d splurged and bought the expensive boots with the advanced ankle support.

  He was still on his knees, about to get to his feet, when he noticed not all of the mushrooms had released spores when he fell on them. Ankle forgotten; he retrieved a specimen jar from his pack. He gathered it up and cataloged it. It was what he was here for, after all.

  The Day I Woke up a Dead Naked Chick

  I was first aware of the cold. And man, I mean, it was freezing. Bone deep and soul-sucking cold. It even smelled cold. Then the darkness. Wherever I was, it was cold and dark.

  Suddenly, there was movement. A sliding, bumpy motion. A feeling of being lifted, and a bright white light. Then a shadow blocked the light.

  I tried to open my eyes to see what was going on. The light and shadow were impressions, you know, like when you’re lying in the sun with your eyes closed and someone stands over you? This was exactly like that. Except for the fact that it was minus freaking cold.

  More movement. I really wished I could see what was going on.

  The light was back, shining directly into my face. Of course, now was naturally the time my eyelids functioned. I blinked several times to clear the sunspots away and looked around.

  I couldn’t see very much since only my eyes seemed to work, but heaven seemed to have a kind of hospital morgue feel to it. Weird. Then I heard the distinctive snap of a rubber glove being put on. Freaked me out, let me tell you! And that’s when I heard the angel speak.

  “Okay, class. Who’s first?” a pause and then, “Roberts? Good. We will start with the basic Y incision.”

  This didn’t sound especially heavenly. I was seriously freaking out now. Maybe this was just a bad dream, brought on by bad cheese and falling asleep on the couch, and a cop show or doctor drama was on TV. Only, I didn’t remember watching anything like that. I usually prefer fluff TV. Stuff like, ‘All Day with Kittens’, ‘Cooking with Primates’ and ‘The Shopping Channel.’ The ‘Fireplace Channel’ is good too. It’s soothing.

  Ow! Okay, that felt real. Like, really, real. I got my arm to move, finally, and swatted at the pain. I sat up too, more by reflex than any actual decision on my part. That got a reaction from the angels.

  Only... I’d never, ever heard of angels that looked like this. Figures dressed in surgical scrubs surrounded me. They were all wearing face shields. One of them was holding a power saw and wearing a rubber apron.

  I got a good look at my surroundings, and I certainly did not enjoy the view. If this was heaven, it was seriously messed up.


  “What’s going on here?!” I demanded. But it came out more like “nuf oin rer”. Wow, I had to get my lips thawed out. Apparently, no one understood grunts and moans, because then there was a lot of screaming, running and fainting. The only one who didn’t seem upset was one short, older guy.

  “Relax people. This is a totally natural occurrence due to gases in the cadaver and shrinkage of the ligaments.” It was the voice of the angel who’d spoken before. “Roberts, get over here and help me strap her back down. I knew I should have used the duct tape to start with.” That last statement really didn’t sound very angelic. I was beginning to suspect this maybe wasn’t heaven.

  I had to do something, and fast. The older guy and a storky-looking guy I assumed was Roberts were approaching with duct tape. I tried to jump off the table in order to effect my escape. Operative word here tried. I fell flat on my face onto the floor. It was then I discovered I was naked. Totally and one hundred percent naked. Wonderful. What else could go wrong?

  I wished I hadn’t thought that when I heard, “Whoa! She’d be hot if she wasn’t dead!” Great. Stuck in a nightmare with a creepy pervert. I tried to get up, but all I got was a sort of pathetic swimmy thing going.

  “Oh, my god! It’s alive!” someone screamed.

  “Well, duh!” I said in grunts, annoying myself. Stupid lips.

  “Wow! Dr. Marten, I think we have a real live, I mean, you know. An actual zombie.”

  “Hmm. Are you sure? I don’t think I’ve ever come across anything like this before. “

  “Well, we have some preserved brains here in the lab. Zombies live to, I mean, they crave brains. We could test it out.”

  Suddenly, a jar of pickled brains was shoved in front of my face. “Yuck!” I said, still in Wookie. I tried to get away, it was grossing me out.

  “You keep trying Roberts, my lunch has just arrived.”

  While I was trying to avoid the persistent Roberts, I smelled something that was truly heavenly - French fries.

  “Neh nies!” I cried. “Neh nies!” I started crawling towards the smell. Man, I was starving.

  “Dr. Marten, look out! She’s coming your way!”

  “Hmm. Interesting. The pickled brain seems to repel her. Is it my far superior brain she’s after? Do zombies prefer fresh brains?”

  “No! I want the French fries!” Only, it sounded like “No! A wa de neh nies!” That came out a little shrill, I admit, but in my defence, I was starving. I felt like I hadn’t eaten for a year.

  “Dr. Marten, are you up for an experiment?”

  “Naturally,” he said, while easily avoiding me.

  “Okay. Put the burger on that table, the fries on the other one and you stand over there. I’ll hold her back with the pickled brains.” he said waving the jar in my face again. I recoiled in disgust.

  “Okay. All set. Release!”

  Roberts took the jar away from my face and I crawled, slowly, painfully slowly, out of the corner he’d backed me into. As I made my way to the fries, I spotted a sheet lying abandoned on the floor. I snagged it on my way by.

  Finally, I reached the fries and ate, well, ok; it was more like, inhaled them, I went through them so fast. Even though they were cold by now and not at their best. I got to my feet and wrapped the sheet around myself when I was done.

  “Okay class, what’s left of you anyway, what have you just learned?” Dr. Marten asked. He was short, stocky and looked like the Joker was his dad and a gorilla was his mom. He had thick black hair and an eyebrow to match. I liked him instantly.

  “Not all cadavers take dissection lying down!”

  “French fries are more addictive than anyone ever suspected!”

  The only other woman in the room looked up from the jar of pickled brains. “I’m surprised she didn’t eat this miracle of science. Considering its rarity, it’s a priceless delicacy.”

  “What do you mean?” Roberts foolishly asked.

  “Why, it’s a half of a man’s brain! Normally, they don’t even have that much.”

  I laughed so hard I fell down. Unfortunately, so did my temporary toga.

  “Seriously people! This is no time for Jockularity!” Dr. Marten admonished.

  “Obviously not. He’s fainted in the corner.”

  Dr. Marten just sighed. “Why do the Admissions Staff always stick me with the comedians? Does anyone have our subject’s chart? A little information would be handy.”

  Roberts came over, helped me up, and got me into a hospital gown. He waved off one of the other guys.

  “Sorry man. Just wanted to help.”

  I recognized that voice! It was the creepy pervert who thought dead chicks were hot!

  “Get away creep!” I said, of course, in grunts. That was getting old really fast. But he got the point.

  The girl laughed. “I think she heard you say you think dead chicks are hot, and she’s creeped out too! Okay! Found her chart. Says her name was...is? Unster Blich. Died from: cause unknown. Age: unknown. Sex: never with Neckro Boy!”

  “Hey! I said if she wasn’t...”

  “Let me see that.” Dr. Marten said, taking the clipboard. “This is unusual. The police report’s still attached.” He read for a few minutes, then said, “By the way, people, we are all stuck here until the quarantine is lifted.”

  I was horrified. “How will I get French fries?” I cried, grabbing the front of Roberts’ scrubs.

  “Calm down. They can deliver take out,” he said.

  “How do you know what she said?”

  “I’m guessing. I think ‘neh nies’ is ‘French fries’. Unster, is that right?”

  I nodded. I was so grateful he could understand me; I hugged him.

  “Omigod! She’s attacking him!”

  “Oh! That is SO NOT FAIR! How does Storky Roberts get all the girls? I mean, look at him!” said Neckro Boy.

  “I think they’re making out!”

  I would just like to clarify I did not make out with Storky Roberts. At that time.

  Someone was getting to their feet behind a counter. “Oh, hey. I’m okay, don’t need any help or anything. Thanks for caring. What’s going on?”

  “Oh hey, Jock. You seemed fine, so we just let you be. Turns out our study buddy cadaver is a French fry craving zombie. She’s already turned down Ned ‘Neckro Boy’.”

  “No surprise there. Everyone turns him down.”

  “Hey!”

  “And she’s been making out with Storky Roberts.”

  “That’s no surprise either. I mean, look at him.”

  There was suddenly an awkward silence in the room.

  “Okay. Well, quarantine is going to be fun now, isn’t it?” the girl said.

  “What? We’re in quarantine? I miss everything. Great. Now I have to reschedule my appointment for the Hair Club for Men. Do you have any idea how long I’ve been on the waiting list?”

  “Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river, we all have other lives. My wife and kids are going to be missing me too.” Dr. Marten said.

  I must have looked surprised since Roberts whispered to me, “He’s married to the bearded lady, you know, from the circus? Never ask to see pictures of his kids. It only upsets him.”

  Steve ‘Storky’ Roberts

  Ok, yeah. That first day was something wild. There I was in pathology class, waiting to see the corpse da jour when everything went sideways.

  We’d done, oh, I dunno, three dissections up to that point when we got a new donation for class. You’d be surprised how common it is for people to get donated, especially if there’s no one to claim them at the time of death. Saves the government money. Makes them money actually, since the school pays them.

  Dr. Marten pulled out the tray from the cooler and there was no sign of anything, you know, weird. I certainly couldn’t tell she was alive, er, well, you know.

  The sheet got pulled off so that we could start and, Neckro Boy, what? Oh yeah, I mean Ned, he yells out how hot she is. I didn’t say anything out of respect for the dead, right?

  What do you mean I’m skipping parts? Oh. You want all the details. Well, ok, yeah, we put her on the cart and moved her over to the table under the lights before the sheet came off. Who helped move her? Me, Ned, Jock and one of the other guys who ran out when shit went down. I dunno his name. I just refer to him as the Big Wuss.

  Anyway, sheet off, Ned gets rude. No, wait. Dr. Marten tells me to bring the scalpel and make the first incision. Which I did. She smacked my arm away. I was seriously impressed by how strong this dead chick was! Like, wow. She knocked me right on my ass! What? No, no, I never screamed like a little schoolgirl. Someone’s making that up. What do you mean, the camera sees and hears all?